Dutch Elms Disease
I know I’m getting older – - Because I’m starting to have joint problems – - My doctor says I should stay out of those joints – - He’s not sure if I have arthritis – - Or Dutch Elm Disease – - The last time I went to see my doctor, I started to tell him my age – - He said, “That won’t be necessary – - We’ll just saw you in half and count your rings.”
Read MoreHappy Columbus Day
Happy Columbus Day! – - – Words cannot express the pride I feel to live in a city (Columbus, Ohio) named after a slave trader with a really bad sense of direction – - -
I have lived long enough to see this holiday evolve (or peter out) from being “celebrated” with parades, festivals, and fireworks to merely being “observed” by closing banks giving government employees a paid day off. How does one pay homage to a man who supposedly opened the gates to the “New World?” After all, good ole Chris made it possible for generations land-grubbing opportunists (aka my ancestors) to repeatedly converge upon and take advantage of their unsuspecting hosts. The hospitable natives helped the unprepared newcomers survive the harsh winters. Their guests and their ancestors would eventually repay their generosity with such gifts as smallpox, typhoid fever and enslavement on reservations (a politically correct term for internment camps).
Read MoreBinary People
There are 10 kinds of people in the world – - – those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
There are two kinds of people in the world – - – People who don’t have all the answers and people who don’t know they don’t have all the answers.
My dad used to say, “There are people in this world who don’t know anything – - – And others who don’t even suspect anything.
Read MoreOlder People and Toddlers
Older people and toddlers have a lot in common – - Both waddle when they walk (Babies because of their diapers – - Older people because of arthritis – - And their diapers) – - Both want to have their own way - – all the time – - They both smell funny (Sometimes, for the same reason) – - Both need (but don’t want) help eating – - They each do disgusting things when they eat – - They both need special shoes – - You can’t take your eye off either of them – - Because you never know what they’ll get into – - You have to repeat things for both of them – - – They both need lots of naps – - And they fall asleep anywhere – - Except in their beds – - Both say things in public to embarrass you – - Both need to be praised for even the smallest accomplishments – - To a toddler we say, “Don’t do that! – - You’ll put your eye out.” – - To an older person we say, “Don’t do that! – - You’ll break a hip.
Read MoreMy Wife Rocks
I’d like to thank my wife, my best friend, my lover, my muse, my soul mate, my everything (all of you) – - – My darling, If it were not for her continuous encouragement and support – - – I would have a real job with a dependable salary, health insurance, paid vacation, and a pension plan – - – Thank you, Sweetheart – - – I love you – - – We’ll be just like “The Waltons” – - – Poor, but happy – - – Oh, by the way, we have a new dental program – - – It’s called, “Chew on the side that doesn’t hurt today” – - -
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