A Funny Thing Happened On the Way To The Retirement Center
Early on, I warned the readers, both of you, that my taste in comedy can range from the sacred to the bizarre. This post runs a lot closer to the bizarre. Like a lot humor, it is an observation of a bizarre, yet true, experience. Someone once said, “truth is stranger than fiction.” Sometimes it’s funnier,too. I hope you enjoy it.
Dear Hotel Manager,
I am writing to make a request of you. I desire to negotiate, with you, for the same deal my father-in-law has imposed upon his three dutiful, if exhausted, daughters and their beleaguered husbands. I should like to avail myself of your hospitality in the following ways:
Beginning now, and for the foreseeable future, I would like to stay in your hotel, and two other of your company’s hotels, for periods of four months each on a rotating basis. During my stay at each of these fine hotels, I will require the following accommodations:
Your very best room furnished with a queen-sized bed, a large screen television, a desk, and a computer with uninterrupted internet service.
Three meals per day to be brought to me where ever I happen to be at the moment (which, of course, I will not tell you), whenever I request. Serving me any food that I do not enjoy will be met with verbal abuse including insults and profanity for which there will be no apology. I will also require unlimited snacks of my choice whenever I ask for them.
Every day, a member of your staff is to remove all of the dirty clothes from my room, wash, dry, and fold them and return them to my room. My clothes are to be wash in small, separate loads so they do not touch anyone else’s clothes, and in order to waste as much water and electricity as possible.
One of your employees is to be prepared, at a moments’ notice, to drive me, where ever I want to go, I will only ride in a car. I will not ride in a “shuttle bus” with any other guests. I will tell the driver how fast to drive, where to turn and, in general, how to operate the vehicle. Disagreement with me, on any level, will not be tolerated. I will rant and rave until I get my own way.
As an additional indulgence, I would like to be able to roam the entire hotel property at will. This is to include the lobby, the area behind the reception counter, the kitchen, the dining room, the offices, the janitorial and maintenance areas, the grounds including any outbuildings, and the other guests’ rooms (This way I can talk incessantly while guests are trying to make telephone calls, read watch television, converse, make love, or sleep) everywhere.
During my waking hours, I will watch and listen in while you and your employees perform your duties and interact with your guests and each other. At every possible opportunity, I will criticize you and your employees for not performing your duties (the way you greet your guests, operate the computer, make beds, sweep, mop, and vacuum floors, prepare meals, maintain the grounds, etc.) the right way – - MY WAY!.
I will also ask highly personal questions of you, your guests, and each member of your staff. I will then instruct each of you regarding what you are doing wrong in your personal lives (including your career, finances, family, dating, marital, and sex lives) and what each of you must do to put your lives right. Disagreeing with me will lead to an onslaught of abusive language until you all agree to conduct yourselves in the proper fashion – - i.e. my way.
Please dispatch a limo driver and two other employees to my residence at once. The driver is to carry me to the limo and gently place in the spacious back seat. The other two employees are to pack up all of my belongings and bring them to the hotel. As per my instructions, my belongings are to be situated throughout the hotel property so as to be in the way of everyone else who is staying or working at hotel.
For all of these many courtesies I will offer no payment. In fact, I do not expect to receive a bill for any of the above services or indulgences. Nor will I demonstrate even the slightest trace of gratitude.
Respectfully,
Bob Simpson
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Oh to be noticed, liked, booked, re-liked, and, rebooked
Have you ever wondered if you were invisible? Were you the middle child in your family, working hard to do all the right things and nobody even noticed? Are you the person, at work, who does all the jobs that no one wants to do, while you watch everyone else get promoted? As former president Bill Clinton was found of saying, “I feel your pain.” I have two older brothers and two younger sisters. I think my middle child experiences must have been preparation for pursuing a career as a self-employed, comedy variety artist. No matter what I do (stand-up comedy, storytelling, sketch comedy,comedy magic, physical comedy, prop comedy pantomime, comedic voices, humorous song parodies, and one man comedy variety shows) or how hard I work at it (hundreds of hours writing and rehearsing original material) no one (at least not anyone in a position to book me) seems to notice.
I have tried “old school” marketing strategies such as putting posters in store and restaurant windows. But, alas, with all of the cell phones, iphones, ipads, kindles and other toys of modern technology, nobody looks up anymore. I have sent out literally hundreds of promotional packages (which are apparently being used as doorstops and coasters) to comedy clubs (don’t get me started on their so-called “bringer shows”) talent agents, hotels, casinos, cruise lines, event planners, resorts, and corporations. Given the pace of business today, I have to wonder how many people can allow themselves the luxury of slowing down long enough to open the envelope, let alone study the material inside.
I have tried reaching out by means of today’s technology. I have a web site (and this is my 70th blog post), a Linkedin (I belong to over 30 networking groups) profile, a Facebook page, and a presence on Twitter. I have even posted a few “visual jokes” on YouTube. Even with all of that, I can’t seem to get arrested (not that it’s actually a goal of mine). And don’t get me started on the subject search engine optimization (aka SEO). With so many scam artists posing as legitimate SEO providers (my spam folder is full of them) these days, it’s nearly impossible to discern which companies offer a legal service that would actually bring my face and name in front of the right people.
I am beginning to feel like the proverbial needle in a haystack. And no one goes out to the barn anymore. It’s not enough to build a better mouse trap. How does one place the new, improved mouse trap in view of those who have mice in need of trapping. There have to be some ways of “getting the word out” that, as yet, haven’t occurred to me. If anyone can offer up advice on how to maneuver the long, tricky maze/hall of mirrors that it seems, one must pass through in order to be seen by potential clients (not to mention an actual audience), this frustrated entertainer would dearly love to hear from you. I would also love to hear from other performers who can relate to my experience. Until then, I will keep plugging away. The formula for success, it would seem, is talent plus hard work plus exposure plus luck plus endurance. And the greatest of these is endurance.
Read MoreWhere I’ve been, where I am, and Where I’m going
One of the main purposes of these regular blog posts is to keep the readers apprised of my continuing efforts at writing and performing comedy material. So here goes: I recently purchased a guitar and will soon begin taking lessons. Lately, I have also been writing humorous parodies to popular rock, country, and Christmas (and other seasonal) songs which will become part of the new comedy variety show I will begin performing early next year. The show will consist of four elements: stand-up comedy, comedy magic, prop comedy, and, of course, the new comedic song parodies (making use of my new guitar and lessons).
The most recent turn in my career as an entertainer took place yesterday, when I enrolled in a stand-up comedy workshop which is to be taught at the Improv Comedy Club in Cleveland, Ohio during the first three Saturdays of January, 2012. The instructor will be none other than Dave Schwensen, comedian, motivational speaker, talent Coordinator for the Cleveland Improv (and former talent coordinator of both the New York and Los Angeles Improv Comedy Clubs), and author of several comedy “how-to” books including “How to be a Working Comic.” I am really looking forward to attending the workshop as all participants will be afforded the opportunity to perform onstage at the Improv. In addition, I am looking forward to meeting the other comedy artists (up to nine of them) and hearing their career stories. I will be driving up from my home near Columbus, Ohio. The other comedy performers, I assume, will come from around Ohio and surrounding states.
Once I have completed the comedy workshop, I will be renting small venues (such as the halls in fraternal lodge facilities) in which to perform the aforementioned, four part, comedy variety show throughout central Ohio and surrounding areas. Soon after, I hope to move the show to small theaters, and eventually to larger theaters. I will also, of course, be available to perform the stage show at private, civic, and corporate events. Anyone interested in reserving a performance date for this four part comedy variety show can contact me by telephone at (614) 891-7393 or via email at info@funnymanbobsimpson.com or bobsimpson1954@gmail.com.
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What goes around, comes around. A humorous look at the comedy of errors found in the time honored traditions of marriage, and divorce
Here’s a story about “what goes around, comes around” – - – even if it takes twenty years. My first wife and I got married on June 5,1976 (I was only five years old at the time. It was a kindergarten project that got out of hand), just two days before my birthday (so I could remember the date of our anniversary). Twenty years later, we got divorced (in order that she might be free to pursue her full-time career as a consumer) on April 8,1996 (I still get that date confused with July 4th), just two days before her birthday, so she could remember that from then on she, alone, is responsible to pay for her numerous, enormous expenditures (Not that I’m bitter or anything). At one point during our married life, I was actually working three jobs in a vain attempt to keep up with her spending. Then, of course, she left me because I was never home. I think she must have filed for divorce because she finally got tired of waiting for me to die. I believe she was under the misguided impression that I was heavily insured. To be fair, she did help put me through college, even if it was a clown college.
I should have known our “marriage” was in big trouble from the very beginning. At our wedding, when she was walking down the aisle, she kept stopping to give her phone number to all the men in the crowd. When the minister was asking if we took each other for better or for worse, etc., instead of saying “I do” she said, “As long as he doesn’t cramp my style.”
After the ceremony, she said, “I hope you don’t think this means I’m going to sleep with you.”
After the ceremony, while the photographer was taking pictures, she kept asking other men to stand in my place. She would point to me and say, “Oh, he’s not with me.” Then, on our honeymoon, she brought a date.
Once, when we were camping, she tried to start a camp fire by rubbing her Visa Card and Master Card together.
About ten years into our marriage, I was talking with a neighbor. He said, “What’s the problem with your cable?” I said, “What do you mean?” He said, “There was a cable t.v. truck parked in front of your house for at least five hours, yesterday.” At the time, we didn’t have cable t.v.
Then, after nearly twenty years of marriage, she said she thought we should see other people. So, she saw an attorney and I saw a psychiatrist. Don’t laugh, I’m still seeing the psychiatrist. by now, I think I have put at least two of his children through college and graduate school. When she left I said, “Oh, you’ll be back. And I was right. She came back, less than a week later, with the biggest @#$%in’ truck I ever saw in my life. That was when I learned all about community property. She said, “You are gonna have to go live out in the community, because I plan to keep all of the property. Then she said, “If you have any dreams left, I’ll take them as well. We had a friendly divorce. She and her lawyer were friends. I got the house (She got the contents), the mortgage, and the kids (two sons).
After she left, I received some important looking papers in the mail from her. She had, apparently, changed her name. Her new name is “Plaintiff.” Did I forget to mention that she is four feet, eleven inches tall (I was nuts over her) no matter how you look at her.
Plaintiff called me a couple years ago to tell me her great news. She said finally lost all the weight from the last baby she had. I said, “Hey, that’s great! By the way, he’s in the ninth grade, now.” She did, however, get some rather disappointing news from the good people at her local U. S. Post Office. By losing all that weight she has forfeited the right to have her own, personal zip code. Not the shiniest penny in the roll, she was once arrested for indecent exposure. She was trying to count to twenty-two. To this very day, I still worship the quick sand she walks on.
My two sons, ages thirteen and sixteen at the time, survived the trauma of their parents’ divorce and my fumbling, inept attempt at “single parenting” them while I was still reeling from the difficult end of a twenty year marriage. Brian, now 32, is a firefighter and paramedic living in the Chicago are with his lovely talented (two masters degrees) wife and three very energetic, adorable sons (Dylan – age 12, Titus – age 10, and Gabe – age 6). Joe is now 29. When he is not busy pursuing his career in information technology, he is a tireless read of everthing from science fiction to theology.
In 1998, two years after the divorce, I began dating Cheryl whom I had known professionally (not the oldest profession). In 200, some four years and sixteen weeks (not that I’m counting) after the end of my first marriage, Cheryl and I were married. She is the most beautiful, kindest, most intelligent, most caring person I have ever known. I suppose having a degree in Psychology makes it easier to deal with a husband who is destined to be a comedian, but has taken years to get up the courage to pursue comedy as a full-time vocation.
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The Many Challenges of Being a Stage Entertainer
In my next few blog posts, I will be dealing with the many challenges of pursuing a career in the live entertainment business. During my twenty-five years as a stage performer (clown, comedy magician, comedy sketch writer, comedy balloon twister, physical comedian, sketch comedian, physical and verbal improvisation artist, stand-up comedian, comedy song lyricist, prop comedian, vaudeville style variety comedian, and comedic storyteller), I have faced numerous challenges. From faulty sound systems and bad acoustics to double dipping, slow paying agents to clients who write bad checks or cancel your performance at the last minute (or try to get out of paying all together, I have seen it all (or at least, most of it).
The most annoying challenge (and the one which occurs most often and seems to be getting worse every year) is the rude audience or the inconsiderate audience member. I’m not talking about hecklers. While I have been blessed to encounter very few of them over the years, I have been able to deal with them very quickly and effectively. I am referring to people who, apparently, have never been taught the consideration required to simply sit quietly and allow the entertainer to complete his or her presentation. This problem predates cell phone and even pagers. The main culprit, along with a few rude, entitled people, appears to the DVD player and it’s predecessor, the VCR (video cassette recorder). The convenience of these devices – - – The fact that one can stop and re-start the pre-recorded entertainment at will – - has left some people with the impression that they are now in charge of every performance, even the live ones, which they attend or view. And therefore, they can interrupt a live an actor or presenter whenever they feel like doing so.
Whether you’re a musician, a comic, a singer, a magician, an actor, or a storyteller, I’m sure you can appreciate the fact that any noise or disruption can play havoc with your timing and make your performance much more difficult. From kibitzing women to good old boys carrying on conversations to parents who bring crying babies to shows to people using cell phones there appears to be no end to those who will unwittingly or, even intentionally disrupt your performance.
Once while my son, Brian and I were performing a comedy sketch at an Eagles Lodge, a woman walked up to the microphone and announced, “There’s about twenty-five hot dogs left if anybody wants one.” In the middle of the very next sketch, another woman approached the microphone and declared, “I lost an elephant lapel pin. If you find it, please bring it to me.” You can understand why I now use a lapel mic or and headset. A microphone attached to a the traditional, free-standing mic stand is, apparently, too much temptation for certain audience members.
Recently, while performing his one-man show on Broadway, Billy Crystal had to deal with an audience member talking on a cell phone in the middle of a critical scene. It’s bad enough that we actually have to remind people to turn off their cell phones (I would include “pagers” but I honestly can’t remember the last time I saw one) before we begin a performance. I recently attended a comedy concert where the opening act had to ask several audience members to curtail their conversations so the rest of the audience could hear her presentation.
My plea to audience members is this: Stage entertainers spend literally hundreds of hours writing and rehearsing material which may take only a few minutes to present on stage. Please respect their efforts and the right of the audience to hear them.
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Stop and smell the roses – - and enjoy the jokes, too – - Live, love, laugh – - Then do it all over again.
In the words of comedian Lewis Black, “We don’t celebrate holidays anymore. We just seem to enjoy announcing their arrival.” Lewis has a point. Some of the stores in my area (Columbus, Ohio) had some of their employees setting up Christmas displays at the same time the store’s other employees were putting away the Halloween display. So much for Thanksgiving! And the retail stores are not alone in their zeal to herald the coming of each new holiday without allowing time to properly observe the previous one. From restaurants to car dealerships, every business outlet seems to be in an all-fired hurry to ring in the next holiday with an enormous “deal of the century” sale.
And, apparently, entertainers are no more immune to this holiday heralding hysteria than retailers. I say this because the Linkedin group for stand-up comedians’ question of the week is, “What are your career goals for the coming new year?” Well, in the spirit of “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” I have been considering what I would like to accomplish both personally and in the comedy business during the year 2012. Not unlike a lot of people, I would love to lose some weight (about 40 pounds) next year. Toward that end, I have pledged to eat less and exercise more during 2012. I would also like for music to be a bigger part of my personal and professional life. So I have purchased a guitar and will be starting lessons soon. My hope is to write and perform comedic song parodies (always giving credit to the writer of the original lyrics). I would also like to travel more. At this writing, I am completing my passport application with the intention of visiting Costa Rica next summer. And, like most people these days, I wouldn’t mind earning a few more of those little green pieces of paper printed by the Treasury Department (to help pay for the guitar lessons and the traveling).
Mostly, I have to say, I would like to make more people laugh and make people laugh more. This will mean writing and performing a lot of new material, which I really enjoy and look forward to. And, I would like to spend more time laughing (and not just at myself).
Here’s to the coming year, and surviving the last thirty-nine days of this one.
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