Early on, I warned the readers, both of you, that my taste in comedy can range from the sacred to the bizarre. This post runs a lot closer to the bizarre. Like a lot humor, it is an observation of a bizarre, yet true, experience. Someone once said, “truth is stranger than fiction.” Sometimes it’s funnier,too. I hope you enjoy it.
Dear Hotel Manager,
I am writing to make a request of you. I desire to negotiate, with you, for the same deal my father-in-law has imposed upon his three dutiful, if exhausted, daughters and their beleaguered husbands. I should like to avail myself of your hospitality in the following ways:
Beginning now, and for the foreseeable future, I would like to stay in your hotel, and two other of your company’s hotels, for periods of four months each on a rotating basis. During my stay at each of these fine hotels, I will require the following accommodations:
Your very best room furnished with a queen-sized bed, a large screen television, a desk, and a computer with uninterrupted internet service.
Three meals per day to be brought to me where ever I happen to be at the moment (which, of course, I will not tell you), whenever I request. Serving me any food that I do not enjoy will be met with verbal abuse including insults and profanity for which there will be no apology. I will also require unlimited snacks of my choice whenever I ask for them.
Every day, a member of your staff is to remove all of the dirty clothes from my room, wash, dry, and fold them and return them to my room. My clothes are to be wash in small, separate loads so they do not touch anyone else’s clothes, and in order to waste as much water and electricity as possible.
One of your employees is to be prepared, at a moments’ notice, to drive me, where ever I want to go, I will only ride in a car. I will not ride in a “shuttle bus” with any other guests. I will tell the driver how fast to drive, where to turn and, in general, how to operate the vehicle. Disagreement with me, on any level, will not be tolerated. I will rant and rave until I get my own way.
As an additional indulgence, I would like to be able to roam the entire hotel property at will. This is to include the lobby, the area behind the reception counter, the kitchen, the dining room, the offices, the janitorial and maintenance areas, the grounds including any outbuildings, and the other guests’ rooms (This way I can talk incessantly while guests are trying to make telephone calls, read watch television, converse, make love, or sleep) everywhere.
During my waking hours, I will watch and listen in while you and your employees perform your duties and interact with your guests and each other. At every possible opportunity, I will criticize you and your employees for not performing your duties (the way you greet your guests, operate the computer, make beds, sweep, mop, and vacuum floors, prepare meals, maintain the grounds, etc.) the right way – - MY WAY!.
I will also ask highly personal questions of you, your guests, and each member of your staff. I will then instruct each of you regarding what you are doing wrong in your personal lives (including your career, finances, family, dating, marital, and sex lives) and what each of you must do to put your lives right. Disagreeing with me will lead to an onslaught of abusive language until you all agree to conduct yourselves in the proper fashion – - i.e. my way.
Please dispatch a limo driver and two other employees to my residence at once. The driver is to carry me to the limo and gently place in the spacious back seat. The other two employees are to pack up all of my belongings and bring them to the hotel. As per my instructions, my belongings are to be situated throughout the hotel property so as to be in the way of everyone else who is staying or working at hotel.
For all of these many courtesies I will offer no payment. In fact, I do not expect to receive a bill for any of the above services or indulgences. Nor will I demonstrate even the slightest trace of gratitude.
Respectfully,
Bob Simpson
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